I was recently working in a café when a dad strolled in with his toddler daughter. They set up shop at the table next to me and it immediately became 10 times harder to focus on my writing. Kid was cute. Like, unbearably so—she was around two years old with full cheeks, wide eyes, and a cap of caramel-colored hair that turned up at the ends. She excitedly announced every dog she saw outside, and she face planted into a croissant in a way that really spoke to me.
A few years ago, seeing such a blatant display of adorableness would have made me excited to be a mother. I always assumed I'd have children, and that little girl would have only reinforced that idea. But I've recently realized having children is a choice, not something that will inevitably happen to me without my say. While I'm still undecided, the following nine women have decided they're in the childfree camp. Although they're quite happy with their choices, they acknowledge that there are both upsides and downsides (just as there are if you decide to have kids). Here, they discuss how being childfree affects their lives, from dating to nosy strangers to reclaiming their sense of purpose.
"After my doctors told me it would be difficult to have kids due to a medical condition, I got used to the idea of it. The luxury of not having children has allowed me to always be on the go, and I can't imagine it any other way. But to be completely honest, sometimes I do wonder if it's the right choice. Then I see my friends who had kids young and couldn't do things like finish school, pursue their careers, or travel.Combined with my tainted view of relationships—I see so many of my friends struggling to raise kids on their own—I'm satisfied with my decision." —Katie S., 26
"I'm the classic 'I didn't like kids even when I was a kid' person. I spent several years looking for a doctor who would sterilize me, but no one would do it unless I was married and had two kids. Luckily, I'm married to a woman, so it's not an issue anymore. I've never doubted my decision.
People always expect me to love kids because I love doing things children enjoy like going to the petting zoo and doing silly craft projects. But you don't have to have a toddler to go to the science center, I promise you. And sometimes it seems like I don't check off the boxes to be a 'real' adult unless I've had a baby. Small talk at the bank will turn into a bank teller grilling me about my life choices and my sex life, which is frankly not a good sales technique.But now that I'm older, strangers are less aggressive about thrusting their viewpoints on me." —Cori C., 31
"Eversince I knew it was a choice, I haven't wanted children.I've never had the desire on a biological level, and I wish the question 'Why DO you want them?' were just as valid in our society. What I do have is a deep desire to leave a legacy, but I find it very fulfilling to create that through my business and my creative projects.
In my 20s, I got a lot of 'Oh, you'll change your mind' from friends and even my ob/gyn. I'm finally at an age where people respect my decision, but there are some downsides. The worst part of it is feeling alienated from my best friends whose lives change when they have kids." —Ciara P., 37
"When I was 13, I was helping out at a daycare that had kids from a few months to 10 years old. I experienced teething babies, installing car seats, first periods, and 'early onset teenager condition' (yes, I made that up). It showed me some of what parents go through on a regular basis, and I want no part of it.
If I tell people like my mother, a random nosy person who asks, or my ob/gyn that I'd rather remain childfree, I'm usually met with disbelief and then dismissed with, 'Wait until you get married. You'll change your mind.' The truth is that every once in a while, I do question whether it's the right decision. Then I just go curl up with a book and enjoy the childless silence." —Jasmine W., 23
"When I was younger, my friends would talk about what they would name their babies. I'd come up with a list of names too, but I was really thinking about them for future pets. Don't get me wrong—I have a tremendous amount of respect for people who decide to become parents. ButI don't want my worth as a woman to hinge on my choice to have or not have children.
Luckily, my support system including my husband, parents, and extended family have been respectful of my choice. I feel sad when other women get pushed into thinking that their decision not to have children isn't 'legitimate.' I want other women to know that it is OK to just be a woman, not a mother." —Kristen M., 26
"There are so many things I want for myself that having children could inhibit: travel, luxury, freedom. Also, depression and alcoholism run strong in my family, and the world today is not so kind! My parents have always respected my decision not to have kids. My sister, on the other hand, feels strongly that I should have them. She often jokes that when I change my mind in my mid-40s, she’ll go to the fertility clinic with me or help me with adoption.I’ve also met many ob/gyns who refuse to tie my tubes. Even my current one indicated that she would only consider it in two years when I’m 38. "—Jessica B., 36
"I knew I didn't want children when I was about 11 years old, although I briefly revisited the question in my late 20s when I had a partner who really ** wanted them. But my current partner tried to get a vasectomy when he was 15—we're so on the same page.
My job deals with sex and sexuality, so I live a pretty alternative life. From what I’ve seen of human nature, many people would not be kind to a child of mine. To fully do the work that I do, I’ve chosen not to have a traditional family. I’ve had people imply that I’ve made the wrong life choices because it meant I wouldn’t have kids. But it’s not a woman’s job to have children.
Also, I was born not that long after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. After learning about that and Holocaust concentration camps, I was left with the overwhelming sense that we had created an increasingly dangerous world. When I browse Google News, I am actively grateful that I don’t have to fear for my children." —Carol Q., 58
"Around age 26, I realized having kids was a choice, not a requirement.I'm not maternal, and I can't imagine having them. Potential partners have met my decision with hostile reactions; I'm single because I haven't found anyone who wants to also remain childfree. I keep meeting men who become very offended that they can't change my mind. Loved ones have gotten used to it, but I still think my parents wish things were different. But I know what's right for me. I enjoy a full life and am not missing anything." —Sophia M., 34
"When I was 10 years old,I turned to my mom and said I didn't want to have kids. She laughed and responded that I was a bit young to decide that and I might change my mind. But I've never had a biological clock go off at all, and I think my mom resigned herself to the fact that she won't be a grandmother. She used to think I'd change my mind when I met the 'right' person, but I told her the right person would be someone who didn't want or have kids.
I actually worked in childcare and as a preschool teacher for over 15 years, I've just never felt the need to have any kids of my own. I don't worry about my legacy or carrying on my name because I'm doing what I need to right now: making the most of each day and not worrying out what may happen after I'm gone." —Rachel W., 46
Quotes have been edited and condensed for clarity.
