In the wake of the tragic shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, and with the March for Our Lives demonstrations on March 24 in cities across the U.S., parents are struggling to navigate conversations with our children about lockdown drills, safety, and gun violence.
As we work through our own fear, we’re also being forced to come to terms with a widespread cultural problem with no easy solutions and no end in sight—and to figure out how to translate this frightening reality to young people who, sadly, are often among the victims. I spoke to 10 parents from all over the country about how they start, or plan to start, a dialogue with their kids about school shootings and gun violence. Here's what they say.
Related: There’s No Easy Way to Talk About Violence With Your Kids—But You Have to Do It Anyway
We have talked about how guns are not something we play with. They are used by law enforcement/military, but not by anyone else. Guns are dangerous and can hurt people.
—Melanie B., Bronx, New York; one child, age 4
My kids' school had a false alarm intruder alert shortly before the shootings in Parkland, Florida, and then a few days later, a gun store opened less than 1,000 feet from their campus, so we've been talking about guns and gun violence a lot. They've expressed concerns about their own safety, and we've tried to be as honest as possible in our responses, while minimizing our own fears in the conversation.
I've encouraged them to listen to their teachers in the case of an emergency, but my husband has encouraged them to run or hide, to trust their instinct. This is an ongoing conversation that I expect will be going on for quite some time.
—Jamie Beth S., Lancaster, Pennsylvania; two children, ages 8 and 5
After the latest shooting in Florida, I told my husband I was worried that our 8-year-old daughter would hear about it from her classmates in school, and thought we should tell it to her in our words.
So, I told her, "I want you to hear this from mommy and daddy before you hear it from anyone else. A man who was mentally ill shot people in a high school. And people died. The shooter has been captured. But you are safe. Your teachers and your school and mommy and daddy are doing everything to protect you."
She asked if teachers had been shot, and I said they had, and she said she felt so sad. She asked again if the shooter had been caught and I assured her that the police had him. I told her it was normal to feel sad, but again, to know that her school and her parents are doing everything they can to protect her every day.
I was later so glad that I had told her first, because one of the boys in her class scared some of the kids by telling them that the shooter was still loose, and was coming to their school.
—Estelle E., New Jersey; one child, age 8
We've discussed the need to report any threats of violence. He's gone through lockdown drills his whole life, so they're normal for him, which bothers me, but I also want him to be equipped to survive the possibility of such. So I also try to pretend they're normal, even though they shouldn't be. I'm grateful that a shooting threat at his school last year was reported before it became reality. And that his school teachers and administrators supported students who participated in the National School Walkout.
—Shokufeh R., New Orleans, Louisiana; one child, age 12
What I would tell my kids is that bad things do happen in this world. As a Christian we know this is a result of sin and people can make bad choices. We have a mighty God that protects us and cares about us; however, we must do what we can to protect ourselves. We must protect ourselves in our homes by locking our doors and not opening them to strangers without mommy or daddy with you. We must keep a watchful eye out when we are out of our homes and not put our ourselves in potentially dangerous situations. If something doesn't feel or seem right, go with that feeling and leave the situation you are in if possible. Guns are not necessarily bad, but can be, depending on how they are used. If someone comes toward you or your family with a gun, run, hide, get away as fast as you can.
Some people think guns are just for fun and don't want to admit that they can seriously hurt people, which is why we need to do what we can to protect others. We have rules in our house to protect us and we need laws in our communities to do the same, just like we have laws about cars. If you ever see a gun at school or hear students talking about them, tell a teacher right away. We do not play with guns, ever. If someone shows you a gun, remove yourself from the situation and find a responsible adult. A number of kids have gotten seriously hurt or died as a result of guns being brought into schools. It is not OK to ignore this issue, but to support those who are standing up for this problem and help find solutions. We can help make changes for the better and even the smallest child can make a difference in their community and the world by sticking up for others, being kind, and a friend to those who are lonely.
—Cristina W., Idaho; two children, ages 5 and 2
In my home, we have been forced to discuss gun violence a lot lately. Even though we live in a nice community, my children are not immune. As I write this email, there is a developing story regarding a school shooting an hour away.
I ask my [15- and 9-year-old] children how they feel about stories they have heard about school shootings and having to participate in lockdown drills. I ask them if they feel scared or at risk. I told them they have the right to obtain an education without experiencing the threat of violence and what is happening is wrong. That they deserve to feel safe, parents do not expect their children to be harmed while at school, and I am angry this is happening.
I told them to report anything suspicious to school staff, even if a friend reveals they want to harm themselves or others, and to take the lockdown drills seriously. I discuss safety precautions with my high schooler, like keeping a doorstop in his backpack in case he has to barricade himself in a closet or a bathroom, and try to conceptualize the threat of gun violence to my elementary student. My youngest son is not exposed to the news, but he is aware that children are being hurt and killed while at school.
—Shanon L., Washington, D.C.; three children, ages 15, 9, and 5
At this point it’s impossible for parents to brush off school shootings or to even try to explain them to children. With a shooting occurring so often and being reported incessantly on all media, kids know about it often even before their parents. Instead of pretending that there is no reason to fear or telling kids it could never happen at their school, parents should take a different tack.
Parents should listen to their kids’ feelings and fears. They can even discuss some of their own worries. But then it’s important to tell kids that school violence doesn’t just have to be accepted. There are ways to make lasting changes to help protect children. Tell kids about laws and policy and the process by which they can be changed. Talk to them about the importance of voting and finding politicians who represent your values. Most importantly, I’m telling my children that they should be good people who stand up for others and put out a hand to help whenever it’s needed.
—Catherine P., California; two children, ages 13 and 11
She hasn't asked and we haven't spoken to her about it, but I often wonder if we should. Her preschool does active shooter drills, but she doesn't know that's the purpose of the drill. I've struggled a lot with how proactive we should be about bringing the issue to her attention. On one hand, this is a reality in her life. Horrible as it is, this is the state of things and I want her to be prepared. On the other hand, she's 3.
—Andria O., Tampa, Florida; two children, ages 3 and infant
Our son is just 3, so we have not specifically spoken with him about gun violence, and to be honest, we don't have a solid plan for how we are going to. Right now, we speak to him about being a good person: using his manners, being kind, open, and respectful.
As I'm thinking about it, I realize that I am hoping the landscape changes enough by the time he's older that the topic becomes easier to address. I honestly have no idea how to explain school shootings to him, now or at any age. Simple honesty, I guess. They happen, they are tragic, and then talk about the things we and society can do to prevent them from happening again and things he can do to create change.
—Camron M., Hermosa Beach, California; one child, age 3
I've had a different experience with each child. I'm sheltering my 6-year-old as much as I can. My 9-year-old wrote letters to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School with his student council following the shooting. He asks a lot of questions, and I answer the best that I can. My 13-year-old talks about it with me and with her friends and at her school. She worries on a regular basis about her safety and the safety of her friends. She wants to know why the politicians aren't doing something. I'm taking all three of them to the March for Our Lives this weekend.
—Joanne K., Oberlin, Ohio; three children, ages 13, 9, and 6
